Breathing Freely

Debt is a burden that takes a hold of you gently and then slowly squeezes you until the feeling of suffocation is a constant companion. It can wrap its unforgiving arms about you in such a way that you are lulled into accepting the uncomfortableness of it as a natural part of daily life. It can deceive you into believing that it cannot be conquered.

Today is the day to decide different. Today is the day to take a firm grasp on the cold hands of debt and pry them off of your tender throat so that you can breathe freely again. Oh it will bring a new feeling of discomfort, yes it will. Fight through that feeling and press on toward full deep breathing freedom.

Here is my story leading to that freedom. It is a road I still trudge down, but one that is leading to deep breaths of thankfulness and the wild abandon of trust. I hope you realize it is a baring of a little bit of my inner self and that you are kind to me when you see parts of me that I am reluctant to share.

In our home we have only one balance carrying credit card.
The statement from 02/11/09 showed a new balance of $9,610.23. Wow!
How did we come to this point?
Well, let me assure you it wasn't from exotic vacations, new furniture, or extravagant purchases. This was years and years of accumulated school expenses, medical emergencies, car parts...you know, basic disaster relief. If the money isn't there, it isn't there. I know that you know what I am talking about!!
The husband and I sat down to work through the budget and decided that the time had come to get rid of this debt. Oh, boy! Just how many times had we sat down to decide that the time had come to get rid of debt??? Don't ask...I couldn't really tell you anyway.
So, anyway...I am not talking about using a small delicate chisel here, but knocking it out with sledgehammer strokes, meant to do damage.
So, February through May I hit it hard!!
As the household bookkeeper, it was my task to make the monthly payment. I diligently logged on and grudgingly paid the agreed upon amount. Yes, I admit it was grudgingly. I had agreed to the financial plan but my heart wasn't in it.
I am a bit of an immediate gratification kind of gal, and this just wasn't doing it for me. My heart seized up and I was a tiny bit angry every month as I paid that bill.
May rolled around and it was time to transfer our balance to another 0% interest rate card...oh yes we were so wise and never paid interest on this huge chunk of money.
The balance in May...$7300.00.
What??? You aren't impressed with the progress? You thought since I was paying diligently and monthly that there was going to be some serious change here?? On the other hand, maybe you are thinking WOW, that is some big change there...way to go. (That is the lull you are feeling...fight it!!)
Well I was, in my ignorance, plenty happy and continued to pay my agreed upon amount! At the time, I thought this amount was huge! In reality it was just over the minimum payment due. The balance transfer had put us with a credit card whose minimum payment was a much higher percentage than the last, so the progress remained slow!

Then came August.
New balance $6460.00.
Hey, hey....look at us, making big progress right!?! A full 7 months had passed and I had only whittled away just over $3,000.00. I say "I" because it is me clicking the pay button each month. Me who handles the outgo of over 90% of our monthly income. It is part of my stay at home mom duties, and I am okay with that!
My dear husband gently pointed out that at this rate it would be another 30 months to payoff.
He is so very patient with me. This precious man who I married almost 20 years ago. This man who trusts me and leaves the business of handling his hard earned income to my ignorant hard hearted hands. Don't think I am down on myself, fact is fact!
Wait a minute....did he just say 30 months!
I got to thinking about that in my right brain slow to figure math kind of way!
12 months in a year x 2 = 24 + 6 additional months...so let's see that would be TWO AND A HALF more years until pay off!!!
Two and half more years logging on and grudgingly, but proudly paying this over the minimum payment.
No! That just would not do. Something had to change, and that something was me! It was my unwillingness to sacrifice. My inability to think toward what the future would be like without this payment. Typing today...and thinking retrospectively... a belief that this money was mine to begin with instead of remembering that the Lord provides our every need and that every dollar owed to debt was one that could not potentially be used for His purpose.

Finally after the better part of a year, I was ready to throw myself into this with fervor.
What changed inside me, I don't know. Maybe it was because I had just had a birthday and matured a bit. Maybe it was an effort to please my hard working husband who for years had been trying to get me to realize these very things. Maybe I could finally see a bit of a flicker of that illusive light at the end of the tunnel.
It was time to bite the bullet and really pull out the sledgehammer. Time to stop wanting to pay off the debt and start action to really make it happen. We juggled numbers again, pushed and pulled, cut back yet again on the home-front and set out to make it happen.
The first huge payment was horrifying to make. I seriously hesitated before clicking the "pay now" button. It was frightening to pay that much money at the beginning of the month to one place with no immediate tangible gain in return.
My mind started whirling, my stomach started churning! What if something happened at the end of the month and we didn't have any money to pay for it because I had already paid so very much to this credit card????
Something in me paused and sent me in search of answers.
Hands down...THE best place to find answers... is in the Bible.

I did some studying and soul searching and decided to fight back the personal fear by also raising our charitable contribution. If we had enough money to pay fear raising amounts to a debt owed, then we had enough money to give more to kingdom goals.
Crazy you say...yes maybe so, but if I say I trust in a God who can take care of my needs, then I needed to live that way too.
Reading in 2 Corinthians 9 about the promises of giving, I had scrawled in the margin..."If I don't have it, then I don't need it, if I need it God will supply it." As well as "You will always be rich enough in God to be generous". While I know this passage is relating to sowing of seed and harvesting righteousness, it is also about giving cheerfully and allowing God to give to you abundantly as you work in His kingdom.
Was this a test for God? No, not at all. It was sincere trust. A trust that God is a promise keeper, and when we commit to His ways, he blesses us.

As of 03/02/10 our credit card balance is $0.00!!
I don't write this post for accolades (I make chocolate desserts for that!). I don't write it to pat myself on the back, or point out how great my money management skills are. Because frankly...they just aren't!! Oh how you would cringe seeing my little notebook filled with my monthly money juggling madness. I still have so very far to go in getting to where I need to be with God's money.
I write this to acknowledge that God is our provider! God allows the increase and causes the change in heart to seek to do better.
I must admit that I am hooked on this paying things off gig! Next up, Lord willing...our vehicles. I earnestly pray that should the Lord decide that money needs to be put toward something else that He will also provide me the heart to see it, and the gentle spirit to trust His will.

Not what I came to write about...oh well.

You maybe have heard the quote "If you don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything at all." While it may not totally apply here, that is how I have felt the past couple of days. I have remained uninspired, and therefore unmotivated to write.
I know too well the overwhelming uneasiness which comes from attempting to create something with no inherent zeal to propel forward action. I have no deadline here except that which I create in my own mind, which is kind of nice.
I think finishing up my latest drawing assignment took it out of me a bit. Hitting that deadline is always a relief!
I am so very thankful and humbled after years and years (and years) of having an art degree to finally be using it in a professional capacity. Oh, don't get me wrong...I have done some artwork in the years since my 1993 graduation. Countless made from scratch hand painted bags as baby shower gifts when I was too poor to actually purchase a gift. Intricate murals on walls of friends, little drawn notes scribbled in thanks, paintings and drawings for friends and family. And who can forget VBS? The hours and hours of work on vacation bible school projects. That one is mind numbing, truly!
So, here is a shout out to Varsity China, and Brandy for giving me an opportunity to make the paper my degree is printed on...
worth something...
... finally!
When you visit the website check out the State of Texas series. It is totally gorgeous!!! I can only claim responsibility for working on Auburn, Oklahoma State, Clemson, South Carolina, and Indiana.
Brandy always has such a specific vision for every single plate! I love our first sit down sessions when we hash out the details of a new design. It is so neat to see her cute little squiggly sketches and the blossom of an idea that I get to take home and make into a bloom.
I didn't ever really think I would get to be an artist. (yes, the education degree was only done for backup) Now look at me, a full time Mommy, part time artist...living the good life! Sigh...
How can you really thank someone enough for something like that???
I keep trying! Thanks Brandy!