Another piece of my heart

Well, I apologize for seeming to flake out on you yesterday, that wasn't my intention at all.
I do have to admit though that I did not even touch my camera yesterday, so I am behind by a day. 
I imagine between the wedding I am going to tonight and the soccer game tomorrow, I will more than make up for that! 
Both of those things are social events and I have not a single responsibility to anyone for them.  I will just be a guest at one and a Mom at the other.
I always wonder what the photographers line is for such things.  Funny, I never wondered about it with my point and shoot camera!
Oh well, I tend to be extra sensitive about things, and I know this about myself.

I am going to try to quickly tell you today about my experience at the Engagement shoot that I did a few weekends ago.
Some of you may be thinking that you don't care a lick about that, but maybe too someone will learn something from the experience.
If you are a regular reader here, then you know I was heading to that day with fear, uncertainty, caution, dread, euphoria, happiness, artistic creativity flowing...and all kinds of other stuff and emotions.

I spend so much time taking pictures of just whatever happens by and was therefore thrilled at the chance to have 2 adult people who would listen to what I had to say and respond to it, in order to create something wonderful for them.

I studied and studied blogs and websites that I love of photographers who amaze me and went armed with an arsenal of images and ideas in my mind.
Other peoples images and ideas in my mind.
Rock hard solid images from established photographers who make thousands of dollars a month, if not a week.
I couldn't have set myself up for a bigger let down that doing that.

You see, like so many of us I didn't have confidence in MY ideas.  In trusting myself and my gut to what is beautiful and lovely. 
When in comes down to it...I am ashamed to say that I went armed with thinking I could copy images like those I had seen.
Yes, I did think I could copy certain poses and images and make them my own.
I was so wrong and I failed at that.
Now don't think too badly of me.  I think there is a certain amount of learning curve that comes with beginning any new art form.  I know in so many of my college art classes we copied all sorts of art work....for the purpose of learning!  And learn I did.
I began to feel and see very quickly that the ideas I had come with, remember ideas not my own were not playing out.  I struggled and pushed and wrestled and came up with bad image after bad image.
At some point in the shoot when my couple was doing a clothing change, I had a little sit down with myself and told myself to trust, to see what I see and believe in that.  To watch and study and capture and have fun doing it.
So, I did.
We ended up running out of daylight that day, but in a way I was glad. 
I went home quite dejected and disappointed in myself, while also giddy with the opportunity to have been creative.
I asked my couple if we could head out for another half hour the next afternoon,so that I could get a few more shots. 
I simply had to. 
I had to take the opportunity to go with only myself, head empty of any expectation; feeble trust in myself displayed for all to see on my sleeve.
I had to prove to myself that I had it in me.

I hope you aren't reading this thinking I am crazy!!!
This was an insane pivotal point in my photographers life.  If I crashed and burned hard, then I wasn't sure that I had the guts to stick with it. 
You know how you get to thinking you are all that, just to find out that maybe you aren't???  I couldn't bear that! 

There is a flip side to this as well.
I want SO MUCH for my artistic gifts to be used in some way to bless others.
I want to be able to give and love and love in the giving.
I want my photography to be an extension of the skill set that I have that can be used to make a mark for the kingdom of God.  If I failed, then the chance of doing that was headed right out the window too.

Is anyone still here???  Somehow I think that most of what I typed above will just sound like crazy talk to 99% of the 23 people who happen to stop by here.  But I am forcing myself to keep typing for that 1% who may understand this struggle.

God gives us gifts, and I think the Devil spends his time trying to figure out how he can make us doubt those abilities. If he can get us to cave, then that is one less thing we can use for good and the devil wins.
He uses our perceived weaknesses, our inexperience, our pride, our doubts and our human stinkin nature to get at us...and he pushes hard.
That said, I don't want to be someone else, take pictures like someone else, draw like someone else, even see like someone else.
I know I have said that before...and I am saying it again to listen again.  I want to take pictures in a way that I see, because you know what....God has blessed me with a gift!!! I AM an artist!  I see differently and care about light and color and beauty in a way that is completely different from almost every other person I know.  It is a gift.  From God.  I want to use it for His glory.  

Ahhhh I am going to keep typing!  Can you feel my struggle here???  I hope so.

Why is taking someone's engagement pictures glory to God?  Well, I don't know. 
But I do know that God will supply opportunity for me to use this gift in appropriate ways, and taking gorgeous pictures day after day can only speed that along and build my gift for His use.

BIG SIGH!!!
How about some pictures now and some positive things. 

I am good at reading emotion and anticipating action.

I found out that I LOVE to watch people and how they specifically move.  I love to catch them when they are so totally being themselves that they don't even know it. 

I am best at waiting, and watching and sneaking in shots in between moments that are delightful captures of people.

I am making it a specific goal to hone each of those strengths to once and for all find my style,which people will recognize.
Thanks for taking the time to listen to this loooooong rant. 
I have been dreading typing it out, but knew it had to be done!
I feel like I am back on track and heading in an awesome direction...and I have my focus firmly fixed on the Father!!!
 No time to edit, now that I took so much time gushing!  ha ha forgive my mistakes again.
 Hey....I have got to get!!!  I still have to get ready to go to this wedding tonight!